Where I am meant to O-b: Finding myself just in the nick of time.

Hey Y'all..the struggle is real
and so are these boots

As I approach 30, I've  begun to realize that the struggle is real. I recently told two of my early twenty something friends, "hey guys turning 30 is real...its a real thing". Through out my formative years, I recall many milestones, at each I'd ponder turning 30 and wonder if it was as big of a deal as people made it out to be. Each time i'd simply shrug it off and say "I'll never be one of those people who freaks out when they turn thirty." As I grew into an adult I often thought about where I would be and what my life would be like as I trekked into true adulthood leaving my twenties behind with no regrets. I always thought it would be so simple, so easy because age is just a number right?

Wrong, no matter how you see it, something happens when you approach thirty and its more psychological than physical. Sure the aches and pains of aging have certain crept up a time or two and I most definitely  can't handle a hangover like I used to but in general I am actually in the best shape i've ever been in. I am more active now than I was in high school and I am so grateful that my body is keeping up with me as I throw it in to wild yoga poses, run a few miles in the hot sun, or dance for an entire weekend at a festival.  But no, its the mental state I find my self in often that is signifying the most change that comes with age. 30.... 30.....30??? Oh my god I'm going to be thirty years old, most people considered this mid-life, right in the middle which is a pivotal point in any persons life. Surely we'll will probably live passed 60 but those are more the resting years, the winding down time that will ease our bodies to our final days of peace. So here I am in the middle, I guess it's a time for reflection to look back and ask my self, did I do everything I wanted to in my twenties?

I will never be a person who carries regrets with me. I choose to keep in mind that the future is unknown and full of endless possibilities, there is always a chance to make up for lost opportunities. There are so many lessons we learn in our twenties, be it from college, work or simply life experience  that shape who we become as "adults". Some are good, while others are downright awful but all of them are valuable.  There are so many struggles we face as young adults and just like we felt in high school, some times they seem like never ending  catastrophic world ending struggles that are ugh just so hard to fight through. And then we realize, oh wow no big deal...I got through it. Your twenties are about finding your self, becoming who you want to be for the rest of your life. It's a chance to try new things, new places, new friends, all for the sake of finding out who you really are inside and what is really important.

I've been so lucky to have had a partner by my side through it all. Getting married when your twenty-three is a huge risk, everyone tells you to wait or that you're too young, it won't last, y
ou'll change, etc. There are a million and one reasons not to get married, at any age really, but there is always one reason that keeps us together. We love each other, and I believe that we are soul mates because we are way too different to be staying together for complacency. We have passed through the ebb and flow of life over the past 13 years together and have grown in so many ways. Its never been easy, and in these later years its even harder as the truth is; we have changed. But the fact of the matter is, we work it. We will climb any obstacle to make it work, a marriage requires constant care and tending to make it flourish. So here is the answer to anyone who asked the question seven years ago, yes it is possible.

When I thought of my life in terms of aging, planning my future and having expectations and fantasies of the perfect life, I have always known that I can't actually stick to the plan because life does not go according to plan. Sometimes bad things happen that you can't explain but you move forward in life walking in a new direction where, like i've said so many times before, the possibilities are endless. I could never have imagined that I would be here in Ocean beach, in California where I couldn't be happier. I have experienced so many wonderful things during my twenties.
 As a bartender, I have had the fantastic opportunity to make my own flexible schedule, make quick cash when I need it and take time off whenever I wanted to. This has given me time to experience travel, road trips, concerts, festivals you name it.  In my early years, college gave me the space I needed to learn how to utilize my mind in a creative unique way that has shaped the way I see the world and apply it to my own life. I proudly hang my degree, that I'll put to use any day now I swear, and look back on dedication and hard work that it required of me and can honestly say that I accomplished something amazing. I wanted to shake things up and move away from home, and I have found my self here in a constant state of bliss every time I look out my window and hear the ocean.  I realized that if I wanted to do something bad enough that I could make it happen regardless of anyone who said otherwise. Determination is a beautiful byproduct of our young adult hood and once you find it, it makes for a great ally when life gets seriously tough.

Soon the road very soon I will be officially crossing over to the dark side, to join my amazing friends who have proven quite skillfully that it is possible to continue living an inspired life after leaving your twenties behind. Turns out your a lot wiser, a little more clever, and your tolerance is at an all time high like a seasoned pro.   Just like with any crisis, real or imaginary, life continues to move forward and we keep dancing through it.  As long as we choose to walk without a chip on our shoulder, holding on to the past, we will always see the world as if it were new, we will continue to wander and find hidden gems, and we will find wonder in the simple beauty that is just existing.



So do I have any regrets?

Absolutely none.  Everything is as it was meant to be and I couldn't ask for more. Everything will be as it is meant to be and I can trust in that and enjoy the ride. Some days are tough but then there are some days where you find your self totally in balance with the universe. Things just happen in a certain way because they are constantly being set in motion.  If we rush through things without fully experiencing them, we might be missing out on those tiny magical moments woven in the fabric of our lives that are put there for a reason. While on the other end if you are stuck in the past then you will sit and wait for things to come to you, but they will simply pass you by because you won't be ready to take it. In yoga, my instructors will tell us to find the delicate balance of effort and ease.

We need to learn to listen to the cues that tell us to stop and rest or to get off our butt and make some magic happen. I am truly finding my self in a deeper and more meaningful way every day, no point in rushing through this last little sumpin' of my twenties. I will embrace every moment as it comes and find the joy in every day.

Sending positive light & love
T



To anyone who actually takes the time to reading these; thank you so much for caring what I have to say! Secondly, I'd  like to announce that I'd like to take this blog writing in more serious direction and would love your feedback. What works, whats missing, etc...

Of course it will be a work in progress for a while, but I'd really like to start writing with a focus and on a more consistent basis. Here's to growing!

Cheers!
T

After the storm comes the sun...

So it's the new year, 2015 a brand new start. This year was supposed to be THE year for me or so I thought so all the way up until January 1. I've been spending the last few months, quietly contemplating my life and whether or not I believed I was headed in the right direction. I was doing some things right, but ignoring the bigger challenges and occupying my self with smaller goals and allowing my self to take joy in small victories. Now this is not a bad thing, to focus on smaller goals, but ignoring the bigger picture all together is no way to accomplish the long term goals you have set for your self. Obviously we are all due for improvement at times and my time has come.

The hardest part of all of this has been a serious bought of depression. Turns out, even those people you loath for all their smiles and never ending bubbly happiness can get bummed out too.  As a conversational topic, to me depression is something so easily dealt with by talking with trusted friends or family, doing yoga and mediating, or even reading up on some mental health exercises but as a reality it kicks your ass physically and mentally until you are so confused that you can't see which way is up.

 On one of my trial runs as a fairy unsuccessful surfer, I hit the water hard and was caught under the wave for a good solid minute or so. Swirling and turning for what felt like an eternity, hearing nothing but the low roar of the wave and seeing everything spinning around at once all while not being able to take a breath. Thats what depression feels like to me. Depression is an old friend to me, not always my own but that of a close friend or family member, and I find it all to familiar each time it rears its ugly head. In my past I've seen first hand accounts of how depression affects the person who has it as well as those around them. Its not too pretty. Although, what a blessing it has been to see those people I love come around the bend and find a way to smile, a way to love themselves more, a way out of the water. I guess even after a huge beat down wave takes you under, you can eventually break to the surface for a huge gasp of fresh air. Maybe that's what it feels like when you finally beat the pressure of it all and take a breath as it if had been years since your last.

I have a picture in my home that reads, "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf".  Stopping the power of a wave is impossible, it will come regardless of what you try to do to stop it but could you maybe ride it instead? Shitty things happen to all of us, every day. We have to remember that while that is true, its just a true to say that good things happen to us everyday. So yes, while I'm going down a chipper road of self motivation, I also want to remember this- its ok to process this crap. I can't say how frustrating it is when you tell someone that you're feeling depressed and their response is simply to tell you to try to be happy, look on the bright side. Shove that sunshine right up there, well you know where the sun doesn't shine. Sometimes your physical body is telling you to be sad, it rushes you with chemicals that make you feel blue, makes you tired and basically makes you feel like crap inside and out.

I think that I have figured out how this all works, you start to feel those feelings again they come back or new feelings form that you make you stop dead in your tracks and you ponder why? Why am i feeling this way? why is this or that happening to me? What am I going to do? How do i fix this? After this questioning process begins then you move to the excuses, excusing our selves by coming up with any reason that makes us "feel better" if only for a minute and all the while we come up with more questions and more excuses. It just becomes a process of feeling crappy and doubting everything and if that carries on for too long, that is where depression takes a hold of your life and it can hold you down if you let it.  If this goes on for weeks, well those are going to be the worst weeks of your life because everything will go wrong.

Why does everything seem to go wrong when your depressed? Im guessing its probably because all you see are the negative things. Pessimism takes over and well aren't you just a peach. I can recall several times over the past 4 weeks that i've been just rotten to someone for no reason. And of course everything has gone wrong, the budgets been all jacked up, the dog had to go to the vet (or should I say slot machine- for all of this guessing, I feel like its a gamble every time) TWICE, other financial blunders, tension with friends, and  pretty much a long list of personal failures and doubts that flooded my head ever since I realized that I'll be thirty this year. Not to mention, I've had the worst cold since my great pneumonia episode in the early 2000's. Nothing like being nice and depressed when a violent take over occurs in your body that makes you feel like you've caught the plague. Thank goodness its finally just hanging out right in the middle of my face, making my head feel like it weights 50lbs.  I guess while I'm being honest here, I was pretty low and Im still pulling my self out of it.  There it is everyone- for all of you who thought I was always happy and bubbly ALL the time. I've come out with it<  I too am human, and I get sad just like everyone else. There are times when I feel tremendously alone, even amongst a million friends, but I have to remember that I am not alone.

All this time that I've spent being bummed, only seemed to get worse and over the course of time i'd quit running, and eventually came to today when I realized I'd not done a full yoga session in over two weeks and hadn't even tried in the last week. For all the effort i'd put into it before, as an aspiring yogi this is the most depressing fact that I have faced. Yet fortunately for me, it is the easiest thing to fix and my sure fire way to get back on the right path to happiness. Being sick shall remain a true excuse, as doing inversions with a sinus cold is no easy thing to do, but now that I am on the tail end of it I need to start doing what I can. I need to accept those negative feelings, acknowledge their existence and then allow them to pass through me, like clouds passing by in the sky.

Its time to get back to planning, setting goals- but this time small goals that feed into BIG goals! Time to get back to yoga and meditating and finding my true self, I know she's hiding in there somewhere. Time to look up, and see the beauty in every moment. The only thing that has ever been stopping me is me, what a simple villain to defeat.  So while I may be 12 days late, heres to the new year and discovering what is beyond all those obstacles. When something is challenging is usually means that the pay off is well worth it, so I can only assume that underneath the perceived negative start of the year is something worth fighting for. When I started thinking about 2015 I believed it would be my year, the last year of my twenties and something to be celebrated in a big way.  We are all fighting the daily struggle, we all want to be happy, we are not alone. So cheers to you, may you find the happiness you deserve and the life you create in your dreams. We can do this, we can find a way out of the dark and into the light, if we only realize that real change starts inside us and only then can we send our light out into the world.

Here's a few of my goals for this year.....

And to count my blessings; each and every one 

* Meditate everyday for at least 10 minutes
* Go to at least two festivals
*Take a class or two
* Hear, see, feel more music
* Take more photos with my DSLR instead of my phone
* Pass CBEST test!
* Get my teaching credentials
*Take the GRE Exam
*Begin planning my masters program
*Survive through the fall teacher training at my yoga studio

And finally I give my self permission to feel what ever feelings come my way, giving them the attention they deserve, but also allowing them to pass. I give my self permission to feel more joy from the little things that happen each moment that we choose to ignore while we mull  over our problems and negativity. 

Our problems are like the waves, they will always be there and some are bigger than others. We can't stop the waves from coming, but we can learn to ride them, which sounds so much better than drowning in them.

Cheers to this NEW year!
Namaste
T

Week 3: Fall Into Yoga

If you've been reading my posts lately, obviously its pretty clear that I have recently lost a loved one. One of those hard things we have to do is move on. Getting back to the routine seems to be the best way to keep moving forward. This month I have dedicated my energies to recommitting to my personal yoga practice. In the long long long loooooong run, I'd love to see myself teaching yoga, sharing its benefits with the rest of the world. So I have been trying to do yoga for at least 15-20 mins a day since October 1.

How fitting it was to find a new issue of Yoga Journal waiting for me when I returned home from my trip. It was as if it was just waiting for me, patiently knowing that I would pick up its pages and allow it to inspire me to find my yoga rhythm again after a rough weekend.

I rejoiced as I grabbed for it, wanted to immediately flip through it's pages to find out what new information it has in store for me.  It silly to say but I really truly love this magazine. It has given me so much more information to supplement my home practice while I haven't been in the studio, without it I wouldn't have been able to maintain my personal practice with as much dedication as I have.

And just as this entire weekend is proving to me that their is some cosmic design working for us when we really need it, there is an article called Live, Love, Learn by Shannon Sexton;  "Move through and beyond loss with a practice that opens both the hear and mind, offers strength and comfort in the present, and prepares you for the next leap of faith or love." An entire sequence dedicated to heart openers! Our bodies are quite amazing and our emotions can work with or against our physical sensations and vice versa. When we are happy, in love for example, we have a flood of neurochemicals released in our brain such as oxytocin and dopamine. When we suffer a great loss of some kind, whether it be the loss of a loved one, a divorce, losing a job etc, our levels drop drastically and then our brain sends out those chemicals that cause our body anxiety and stress. Sexton writes, "That influx of stress hormones also launches your nervous system into flight-or-fight mode. As a result extra blood flows to our muscles, which tense up for action, sometimes causing that tight, squeezing sensation in your chest". Its amazing how an emotion can suddenly translate into a
physical feeling.

It has been studied and proven that yoga practice can help with stress or depression and improve your mental state so that it is prepared and ready to deal with high stress situations. I can honestly say from experience that having been doing yoga for a while now, and also everyday consistently for the last few weeks it truly has aided me in some situations. Handling the loss of my grandmother has been incredibly difficult, but somehow I've been able to stay relatively calm and positive and easy on my self. I wouldn't be able to do that with out yoga. The article goes on to discuss how not only do we need to mental process grief, but we also must go through the process physically. By doing an activity that is mindful as well as physical, like yoga, we can gently go through the process that our body, mind and spirit need to heal and become whole again.  Following the article is a sequence of heart opening stretches that really do help you connect the physical and emotional side of your self.

The sequence begins with this intention:
"May this practice reconnect me to my body, ground me in the here and now, and gel me from my grief. I ask for clarity and for the strength to let go of any limited beliefs that keep me resistant to change and unavaliable to growth. Instead may I open my heart, see beyond reason, accept without condition, and love without hesitation. May this practice be blessed. "

Check out this awesome heart opening sequence here.

I went to my yoga studio yesterday for the first time in a while, it was quite special. One of the kindest hearts I know, Mitch, who runs the  Happy-U Namaste studio with his awesome wife Karson, greeted me with delight. It was one of the greatest hugs ever. They are without a doubt some of the most caring, kind people I have ever had the pleasure to know.  It felt so great just to walk in the down and kick off my shoes again. I told my teacher, Rachel, about my recent loss and explained that if I was a ball of tears at any point that I was ok and didn't need her to worry. She completely understood the situation, as well as reminded me to be easy with my self and to allow my self to go through the process slowly and not to worry if emotions arise as we work through a physical practice. Being in the capable hands of these people who care for me, with little motive of their own, made me feel like I was being cradled so to speak. Its nice to let go and let someone else take control for a little while. When we share a space to practice with others, we allow our selves to receive their energy was well as share our own with them, which can really enrich our practice.

I had a hard time, during my trip home,  finding time to practice. The best part of yoga though, is that you can mentally practice all the time simply by breathing. Pranayama (Or breathing exercise) is one of the pillars of yoga and without it our yoga practice is missing a huge piece of the puzzle. We need our breath...plain and simple we must breathe to live. Yet another awesome resource from YJ, a Pranayama guide for beginners. When I am feeling the most lost, I simply breathe and it feels a little easier to find my way. Rachel read a quote in class yesterday that she related to breathing in yoga.

"Only those who have the patience to do simple things perfectly ever acquire the skill to do difficult things easily." -James J. Corbett

Breathing is something we do automatically, naturally, all day long. It seems to be a simple task, yet if we do it carelessly, especially when doing yoga, it simply does not serve us in the way it should. I won't lie and say that I can breathe perfectly during a flow but I am consciously working on breathing with intention. It is a great tool that is all too often over looked in yoga.

Well my "fall into Yoga" has been going well so far, I am looking forward to continuing the journey throughout all of the seasons of my life. 

Listening to the wind

Dealing with the loss of a loved one is one of life's greatest challenges. We are so lost, so confused as to why this person we love so much had to go. We find our selves feeling alone, no matter how many hugs and condolences come our way. Death is a mystery, cultures over thousands of years make their attempt to explain it and come up with what is the after life. Where do we go when our spirit leaves our physical body? Religions will have their answers, yet some of us are still on a spiritual path that does not necessary meet in one of the black and white areas that society has put out for us. A friend of mine was talking about "energy", our molecules have energy and when we die that energy goes some where. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, so it must be recycled, our spirit has left our body and those energy molecules shoot into the universe and become apart of everything; the light, the trees, the wind, the sky, the grass, and so on.  So maybe our generic definition of the afterlife is a religious opinion, that is often disputed because we all come from a different perspective, that may or may not be real. But there is one thing I know and it is that we are more than our physical body, there is something inside of us that is real and it cannot be touched or measured by some doctor it is our spirit and it can never die. Our physical body becomes tired, after many many years of use, at some point it can no longer carry our spirit and when we die, that spirit is released. Somewhere, I can't say I know the answers for sure, but I will say that I believe more than the atheist notion that when we die, it ends and we go into the ground. I refuse to believe it, not just because I want to cope with death but because I can feel it.

Last wednesday I received a call early in the afternoon. When that phone rang, my heart sank. Something in me knew that my mother would tell me that her mother, my grandmother, had left our physical world. Almost instantly I began to make my plans to head home to Colorado to be with my mother, who I know more than anyone and know that this heartache is one she could not bear alone. I thought of the fact that one day I too will lose my own mother and I pray that I have children to be there for me in a desperate time of darkness. I like to think that I am a strong person, one who can be there for others offering kind and at times hard truths that can help someone see the silver lining in a time that seems impossible. But I need that support to right? All to often we see "those people" who seem so secure, so positive and strong, yet even they need a shoulder to cry on because we are all human and sometimes those people (who often times have very open hearts) feel those emotions even more strongly because they allow themselves to be open to vulnerability.

But I was not alone. She (my grandmother) was with me.  At her funeral, I told my mother, on a stunningly beautiful fall day, that I believe that grandma just wanted to hang on to see the fall colors one last time and said "no way, not one more cold colorado winter...Im off to the beach." The beach was one of her favorite places in the world. When I came to see her this last August, I brought her jar full of sand and shells from the beach. I told her "since you can't come to the beach, I brought it to you." And I believe that when she left her body, she came straight to me. 

I had less than 24 hours to plan a return trip home, cover my work shifts, and prepare my self with how to deal with this situation, not only from my own perspective but for my mother and my little brother. Without a hitch, a hiccup or any ridiculous obstacle, I found my self on a plane (even though I was standby) on time and on my way to my home state to be apart of this process of letting go. If I had not been able to go, it would not have been the same. I had so much support getting there from my California family, my husband and my wonderful friends who woke me up with breakfast before a ride to the airport and who sent me words of encouragement the entire weekend. I kept telling my husband,  "She's with me, watching over me and making sure that I get there to be with my mom". 

Spending time with my mother has been amazing. Now, having said that it was also difficult. I would never expect someone who lost their own mother to be very logical or organized or together, so lets just say there were moments that were hard for both of us. But we spent more time laughing than crying and that was exactly what grandma would have wanted. We stayed up all night the first night and looked at old pictures. So many wonderful memories, so many things to recall and smile. It was time of bonding that I wouldn't trade for anything. I hope more than anything that this trip tightened our bond and that my being there will help her heal a little easier and find a way out of the darkness to find new life. I hope she knows that her mothers spirit lives within her, through her and that she is not without her. Grandma will live on through her, as she becomes a grandmother to my children one day and I know that they will have a relationship as amazing as my grandmother and  I had. 

Martin Cousins

Having my family close to me during this time has meant more than anything. Simply loving me, is all I could ever ask for. Love me, be here for me. And they were.  By some great design, my dads family was getting together for birthday. The entire family was there, not the usual "oh so and so couldn't come" EVERYONE was there. What a blessing! I hadn't seem many of them since I moved away a few years ago. After losing one grandparent, it's made me a little hypersensitive to the others. So I am very glad that I got to see them as well.  I got to see my cousins, who were as close as sisters to me, all grown up with their babies and the younger ones with stories of going off to college and getting drivers licenses. It was something I needed, to be supported during a sad time. Everyone of them offered condolences to me and my family and especially to my mother. Even though they had not seen her in a long while since my parents had split. My grandfather especially had a special moment with me, sending love to my mother and her father whom he was very close with during our growing up. 

Me and my baby brother, had an amazing time together as well. Our trip up to our uncles could have been a boring trip on I-25 highway but instead we went through Boulder, my favorite place in Colorado and we traveled along small roads at the base of the foothills and drove through pastures of the beautiful golden fall colors. 

 We listened to music that soothed us, that made us cry, that made us laugh, and songs that made us dance and sing. Being next to this man, who I only know as my baby brother, was truly incredible. I am in awe at the man he is becoming and how he is slowly becoming this more confident version of his already amazing self. I love him dearly, and could not have made it though the weekend without him.  True to a man's nature he tried not to show too much emotion, but when it came it was truly beautiful. Sometimes we are more vulnerable than we care to be, but it can lead us to an amazing place.

The funeral of course, was incredibly sad. It was so hard to do what we had to do during a time of grief. Organizing, dealing with strangers who you just want to smack when they tell you you can't bring outside food into the event center, when the food was acting as a symbolic gesture, trying to be organized and make sure the music is ready, and do you have a pen, and oh I need this, where is the tape! Oh goodness it was tough. But we pulled it off. Our whole family was there, so here I am again finding love from everyone who's ever known me. My father came, to be there for me and my brother and as much as anyone might not know it, to be there as a friend for my mother. It meant the world to me to see my parents and my brother standing beside me. As well as to know that my father wanted to be there so badly to pay his respects to my grandmother, whom he loved, and offer condolences to my grief stricken family.  My best friend from childhood, who knew my family well came to be by my side and sat with my dad so that he wouldn't be alone. I couldn't have asked for more. She was there for me the whole weekend helping me smile and enjoy the trip as much as was possible. 

They asked me to read words from my last blog about my grandmother. Before the service began, I went outside to be alone. I looked around at the beautiful landscape and thought, what a beautiful place to be. It was sunny, what some called hot but to me was the most perfect weather I could imagine for an october day in Colorado. I closed my eyes and I prayed to my grandmother for strength. I asked her to help me get through my reading without crying too much so that my words would be clear and heard with sincerity. I asked her to be with me while I tried to be a pillar of strength for my family. Just as it was so quiet and calm, a warm wind blew around me and swirled my hair up in the air and it filled me so strongly I almost fell back in awe. It was a moment that would make you believe in God, whatever my own interpretation of that is, a moment that was so real it couldn't be denied.  Sometimes things happen that we can't understand,  and its best just to roll with it. After speaking, I definitely let go of myself and allowed my self to cry one of the biggest cries that I ever have. With my brother by my side, I grieved deeply, he reached his hand out to mine and I held it strong for a long long while. My cousin to my left, was also without her husband for the weekend, but her two little boys were so good and were there by her side to be there for her too. I couldn't believe how these little guys could sit there, not fully understanding what was happening, and behave so well and quietly hold their momma. 

It was a beautiful service, everything worked out. The words of my grandfather were read by a family friend who was leading the service. I don't know if I've ever seen my grandpa sad, it was hard to see. His words were so sweet, the way he spoke of my grandmother reminded me of my own amazing husband. How lucky I am to have a man who loves me like that. My grandparent's will remain the greatest love story I have ever heard in my life.  He loved her more than anyone could ever love someone. I believe that, they had one of those really rare loves. They were married on my birthday, and I always feel special for that. My own anniversary that I celebrate with my husband is ten days before in November and I feel a special connection with their love story. I can't imagine the hurt he is feeling, having to let her go when he can't just go along with her. 

After the service, after so many hugs, the pain grew a little dimmer. Isn't that the whole point of a memorial service? To come and let it out, to grieve and be together, and then we learn to walk tall again. As we take these steps forward we will begin to heal, some slower than others, but as long as we keep her spirit alive, she will never really die, so we shouldn't be sad forever. It hurts that we cannot hug her but we can still tell her that we love her, we can still reach our arms open wide and ask her spirit to fill our hearts. Just listen to the wind, it might be her. We have to slow down and pay attention, there are so many signs &  signals coming our direction. 

Sometimes the more you try to force something to work out, the worse it seems. When we surrender and let it be what it is, it can be surprising to see how well it all pans out. 

In times of grieving we need to remember to smile, to laugh and play in the leaves. And then we have to get up, wash off the days of sadness and learn to live again no matter how hard it seems. She would want it that way, just like all of those who have left us in the physical world, they just want us to live and make the most of time we have here on earth. 

I came home to "be there" for my family, to be the strong one. But I was not alone, she was with me and she sent everyone in my life to be there for me too. 

Namaste,

T

    

In ever loving Memory of my grandmother, 

                                                                 Janet Arlene England 

                                                                        1936-2014 

In remembrance

When I received the call, my heart dropped. I knew that bad news was on the other line as I looked down at my phone to see my mothers number. She confirmed my fears to tell me that my grandmother had passed. A piercing heartache was all I could feel for a while, random spouts of tears and confused moments of misunderstanding led me through my morning as I tried to deal with the loss of such a special person in my life.

Some people are closer to their family than others and to some a death that may be somewhat expected can be slightly easier to handle but it still strikes the heart fiercely. My grandmother had been in bad shape for a while, after having a stroke just before my wedding in 2008 she never quite came back to her health. She kept her spirits up, she still made jokes and we were blessed that the stroke did not take her mental health away so that she could still be present with us. Prior to her stroke she had fought through breast cancer, knee replacement surgeries and number of other medical obstacles. She fought strongly to stay with us as long as her physical body would allow. But I'd rather tell the story of her life, than that of her leaving us. 

What could I say about her that most people wouldn't say about their grandmothers, like most she was the kindest and sweetest grandmother a kid could hope for. An understanding and compassionate woman with open arms to comfort any sadness or worry. She had always looked at the positive side of things, so naturally she would calm our fears and worries and remind us to see the good in things. She saw the good in people, no matter how flawed they were. She loved her family, more than anyone could love a group a weirdos like us.  She stood by her children who, as children do, lived lives not necessarily always in line with her own values yet her love was unshaken. She was always there to listen and provide words of wisdom.

With unmatched patience she stood by the side of my grandfather who's humor was at times over the top but she laughed always, no matter how many times she had heard the joke or the story.  They have one of the greatest love stories I have ever heard, Nicholas Sparks has got nothing on these two.

After having met as children (he tells us "I used to throw rocks at her ugly little dog" and she'd chime in "you were so rotten") they grew up together in nearby neighborhoods. They went to different schools but would talk to each other through the fence when she'd stay at her cousin's who lived next-door to his family.

After he joined the service, while he and his bother were on leave, his brother told him he was going to marry my grandmothers cousin. So naturally grandpa thought, I think i'll marry Janet. Some how in this crazy world he convinced her to abandon her previous plans and take the leap down the aisle and they have been head over heels in love ever since. As i have grown I have come to respect and admire that deep love and will forever aspire to be as much of a  loving and supportive partner to my husband as they were to each other.

When I chose to move to San Diego, to leave my family and start a fresh life, many of my friends and family were shocked and discouraging because they were worried or simply didn't want us to go so far a way. But my grandmother was so supportive. We sat and talked for a long while about it before I left. She had told me that she had always dreamed of moving to California when they were younger but it never really worked out. As I looked at her, in the hospice unable to pack her bags and go wherever she wanted, I felt an undeniable need to do it for her. She's always supported me and made me feel like I truly could do anything I aspired to. This move has turned out to be one of the greatest things that ever happened and I have her support to thank for it. I know now, that I will not live in regret for the things I didn't do.

This photo is us in California when I was a little girl.  Coming to the west coast to visit us, during our short residence in Garden Grove, was such a special experience for all of us. I feel like now her spirit is with me again, when I'm here looking out at the ocean with my toes in the sand. She can be here too and I can take comfort in that.  

As a woman I feel a deep kinship to my mother and grandmother. We share a sacred bond of womanhood that has been passed down through generations. A piece of me has left with her, yet it was equally replaced with a piece of her to live on in me. My mother, the only daughter amongst three sons, was given  a beautiful band of small diamonds by my grandmother. It had also been her mother's ring. A short time before I was married in 2008, my mother gave me the ring, passing the tradition on to me the fourth generation. And someday I will give the ring to my daughter, and continue the beautiful cycle.   We carry on the traits of our ancestors and pass them to our own little contributions to the world. I cannot wait to share her wisdom, her love, her kindness and everything wondrous part of her on to my own children some day. She will shine through them.


I feel like she is already with me, guiding me in this stressful time as I make plans to head home less than 24 hours from now. Getting home just seemed like the automatic response; I feel this necessity to be there with my mother, to be there for her and for her to be there for me. Within a night and half a day, two co-workers have covered my shifts and  a wonderful friend has helped me figure out an affordable plane ticket so that I may get home. My friends have been here for me; checking in, taking me for acai bowls, doing lots of yoga, meditating, making me tea, and helping me go through the emotions at my own pace.Which just confirms another thing that my grandmother always believed, and that was that there is good in everyone. I am truly blessed to have the friends and family that I do because they are here for me in a time of sadness.

I feel a sense of relief that my grandmother is no longer in pain and smile at the idea that she could very well be sipping Pina colada's out of a coconut while sitting on the beach with her sister and hopefully early 60's Elvis (the hunk).  She will be with me the whole way, protecting me so I can get to her daughter safely so that we may come together to celebrate her life and begin to heal and carry her spirit on forward.

T

 I went home to Denver to visit my family after two years in California back in August. I am so incredible  

Week 2: Practice to cultivate Happiness

Well its almost week two of my month long personal challenge. I have to admit, I almost missed a day, as it was full of fantastic shenanigans for a friends birthday scavenger hunt, to which I showed up dressed as a mermaid.  The theme was Neverland characters, which I found so appropriate for me and inner child who remains a major player in my own life. I was worried about missing a good yoga session, but my pal would not fail me,  he included "Bus stop Yoga" as on of our many items to do on our list. So even though my "tail" was slightly restrictive, I excitedly busted out a beautiful  Dancers pose atop a bus stop bench. So that counts right?

Though to be real, I am starting to recognize all of the ways that my practice follows me off the mat and into my life. I find that I am working harder to practice patience, compassion and positivity when I am at work or just out dealing with daily interactions. I mean, if it takes me two more seconds to be a little bit more friendly to checkout person at the store I could both make their day and make my experience more positive. So these things really are not that hard, plus the benefits hugely out-weigh the effort.

I watched a documentary on Netflix, called "Happy", and its main point is to address the thing
 the film covers across many people and cultures in places around the world who come from all walks of life and are considered truly happy people. The documentary comes to the conclusion that it is not things that give us happiness, while they do provide instant gratification it is only fleeting pleasure.  Backed by all areas of study including religious and spiritual leaders, brain science, psychology, and personal interviews with amazing people who have found their pursuit of happiness.

One interesting case study was that on Bhutan, a nation tucked away in the Himalayas. Their philosophy of Gross National Happiness implies that their citizen's level of happiness should be greater than the nations Gross National Product. In the film one leader said that "happiness lies within the self" The government promotes and facilitates the well being of it's citizens instead of being concerned with economic development. They believe that doing so will preserve their culture as well as protect the environment that provides them with what they need to be self-sustaining. This compassionate nation wants nothing more than to be happy and promote sustainable development, preservation of cultural values,  environmental awareness, and good governance.

Other people interviewed in the film come from even the poorest slums in India, a tribe in the African,  deserts, a family in Denmark who live in a 20 family co-home,  the many 100 + year olds in Okinawa, Japan,  and many others. All of these happy people seem to have the same things in common, they are all compassionate people who are not just in pursuit of their own personal happiness but also that of others happiness. When we act with compassion and gratitude we can see a perspective that is so much bigger than ourselves. Each story speaks of the same gratitude for what they have in their life rather than a desire for more and more.

Our brain is quite the marvel, when chemicals are released we feel different physical and emotional sensations in our body. The chemical Dopamine is released that gives a feeling of pleasure and happiness. Physical activity is proven to boost dopamine levels. I immediately thought of my last two weeks. And better yet the last two years. My physical activity has gone up dramatically in the last few years. I have more opportunity and more motivation to be outside and thus I have found my self casually becoming an active person. I don't "go work out" or belong to a gym. But the last two weeks I've been practicing yoga everyday for a least 15 mins but usually allowing myself an hour and half for a solid session. Each day I have more energy, and I feel happier. My heart is lighter, my mind is clearer and I am making the effort to be kinder and more compassionate.

Change your perspective; inverted

While my physical practice is good for my body, its also good for my mind and spirit. Through physically releasing toxins in a cleansing stretch and focusing deeply while I breath energy into a difficult pose I am gaining and unlocking new emotions and feelings and sensations. Im finding my authentic self and learning to love it and making the best effort to send that love right back out into the world. In the film someone said, "You have to practice to cultivate happiness" and you really do have to put the effort in, because there is no amount of money or material thing that can make you truly happy. You create the happy.





Get out there and make it happen. Enjoy living now, not waiting for tomorrow. We are the generation that sends this message out daily because we capture moments and choose to preserve them and share them the world. We celebrate the human experience. So take time to be active in a playful way that is fun and enjoyable so that you'll want to do it again. Build friendships that are honest, finding out that you can be your self amongst friends is a blessing so hang on to them for they will inspire you continue to grow. Taking care of our environment is also taking care of each other; we have to realize that we could all actually care a little more and create a sense of community and invest more time into doing more things for others. It could all circle back, if we could just get on the same page and take more care when doing things.

Feeling pretty inspired today.

Namaste

T

Check out the film "Happy" at  http://www.thehappymovie.com/

Fall in to Yoga: Week 1...looking up

 Wednesday October 8
So its been one week since I began my #fallintoyoga commitment to my practice for the month of October. Through the week I have made a strong intention each day to practice for at least 30 mins. I am proud to say that I have completed one full week of daily practice and I am feeling fantastic. I have already noticed and incredible amount of progress, going deeper in to each pose everyday.

I have been focusing on hip openers and heart openers this week. There is physical connection to our hips and our mental and emotional state. We store emotion in our hips, therefore tight hips indicate that we are holding on to emotions without allowing them to pass fully. Hip openers have most certainly allowed me to release a lot of emotional tension.  One of the things about yoga that still has me in awe is it's incredible connection of the mind, body and spirit. They are all working together, therefore they must all be balanced to work effectively.

I have also been experimenting with the time of day that I practice and practicing with others. I have found that an energizing practice in the early morning will give me the boost of energy that I need for the day and a calming quiet series in the late evening allows me to sleep like a baby and get the rest I truly need. I have also been practicing with my friends and husband which is a fantastic way to stay motivated and through teaching others I am learning even more about each pose and how to be more present in the pose. It's not about how deep you go, everyone of us is in a different phases in our life and has different levels of flexibility and endurance. Practicing with others helps to be more aware of that fact and reminds us to stay true to our own path and practice a pace that works for us individually.

But by far the greatest benefit I have experienced from 7 days of practice has been seen in my mental state. I find my self pausing for a moment to take a breath and think before reacting to adversity. A perfect example of this came yesterday. Having the day off and being fairly broke after paying rent, I decided to take the bus to my work to pick up any tips I still had there, hoping for at least twenty dollars. After my half hour bus ride, I found a whopping eight dollars waiting for me. Then I received a phone call from my husband telling me that our car had to be taken to the mechanic that day so that he could get home safely. So here I am, disappointed with my eight dollars and devastated at the idea of how much bad news the mechanic will come back with. I had a choice, to sit there and worry and be pissed off about my situation or I could stay calm. I chose to be calm and be supportive to my also concerned husband. He was incredibly surprised at my calm state of mind as well as appreciative to my not adding to his stress. From here I began to look at the situation in front of me, in the end it only cost $400 for the car to be fixed as well as a full check up which gave me serious peace of mind and my car no longer screeches at every right turn AND because I went into work that day my boss asked me to work an extra shift this weekend. I would have never had that opportunity if I had not gone in. In the end things actually worked out ok. The car would have needed to be fixed regardless and we took care of it before it got even more expensive.

A friend of mine is going through a very difficult time in his life, his situation parallel to mine really emphasizes the true density of a problem. His problems are massive compared to mine, yet he still smiles everyday. I felt like I could not let this day of minor setbacks derail my entire consciousness to be negative and distraught. So I keep looking up.

This is what I saw.

In my travels on foot, outfitted with my hippie back pack and always pumping tunes on my headphones I have enjoyed the opportunity to enjoy the trip to my next destination. Being given the chance to look up and see amazing architecture, beautiful sky, and exotic plants and birds, has allowed me to find a sense of peace above the noise of the street. My personal positive affirmation became "Look Up" and I try to remind myself to do it often.
Yesterday my husbands text read "There is a part in the clouds, lets go jump in the puddles". I texted him these pictures to confirm his words.

So much beauty is passed by when we are drudging through our daily lives with a chip on our shoulder because we are having a bad day. There are so many times when I stop and look around and what I see takes my breath away.  I have to remember that even on the bad days, I can still have those moments.

So far so good on the journey to a better me. I'll keep yoga-in' away and take my practice off the mat into my daily life.

Namaste

T

Fall Into Yoga

After many years of committing, falling back, and recommitting to yoga I have come to a realization... I am a yo-yo- Yogi. There is no better way to put it.
 I love yoga! It ranks among my top favorite things to do anytime of day. I love the philosophy and the ancient teachings that have spanned across cultures and time while staying true to the heart of yoga. I adore the state of mind or attitude that everyone seems to carry so effortlessly as they pass you in the studio or at the park. My mind has been blown by the spiritual awakenings I have had on the mat; where the connection to myself is so close that I feel closer to my higher power. Of course there are the physical changes, that have not made me feel more beautiful but also gave me a strength I never knew I had.  I have gone through a transformation that started many years ago when I first hit the mat in college to the stop-drop-and-yoga addict that I am today, I think maybe the best part is that I still have so much to learn that I will never be bored, as long as I can commit.

When I first began my practice I got a unlimited month at Core power yoga near CU's downtown campus. I was taking the bus to and from home and I found this small yoga studio when it was in it's early phases near my bus stop. I'd been feeling very stressed and was dealing with anxiety turned into anger. I needed something. Fast-forward two weeks I was already feeling better, smiling more. I stuck with it for a few months and then moved to home practice which led to huge gap in between then and my next trip to the studio. Over the last 7 or 8 years I have committed and recommitted and failed and fell completely off track with my practice. It was to a point where I was scared to go into the studio because I felt like I had lost all flexibility.

There were so many times that I cried over how heavy or how out of shape I was. It was hard to work out, when your carrying 230lbs it seems like quite a feet of strength to lift your own body weight. But for a long time I felt ok in my own skin, not hating my self and doing what I could do assist in a healthier lifestyle but I was still lacking that deep personal motivation to be a better me. At the tail end of my college years I had managed to lose about 20lbs which helped me spring into the next phase.

Skip forward to my incredible journey to California. Not only was I truly in love with my new geography but I was inspired to be outside all the time! I found a group of friends who facilitated in my desire to be active and take full advantage of my outdoor playground and consistently sunny weather.

I began to find a natural rhythm in life, being active, eating healthier things that made me feel good and have more energy, and I finally found a space to find a deeper commitment to yoga.

After meeting my friend Josie and moving into the same neighborhood we found that one of our favorite things to do was yoga and together we would learn new things about the philosophy and the poses and would both collaborate in our personal little school of yoga.



We were then blessed to find Happy-U Namaste Yoga studio in our community right in-between our houses. We instantly fell in love,( read about this awesome place and my OB life here.)

Here in this studio, I found myself. 

I had stayed on track for a while going to the studio at least 3-4 times a week and partaking in my own self-loving version of running a mile or two every other day. In combination with my love of dancing at shows, hula hooping, attempted surfing and playing with my pooch on dog beach I've realized that the world is my gym and I can do this my own way. And I feel great! I'll give myself a little love and say that I am proud of my achievement, having dropped over 70lbs in the last 4 years.

So over my yoga life span, the gap between committed practice and otherwise has gotten smaller and less frequent. I have been trying to take the time and continue researching things about yoga, using resources on line and my awesome subscription to Yoga Journal. I recently started cutting out sequences, articles and even inspirational photos to put in my own yoga journal.

Ive been doing my best to stay focused, remembering that this is something I love to that helps me be the best me that I can!
"In oneself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn, the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, exept yourself. "
                                                           Jiddu Krishnamurti

So I have decided to commit the entire month of October to growing in my practice, I have chosen to call it my Fall Into Yoga. My goal is to practice 6-7 days a week, even if its only for 20 mins or just a simple meditation. I also want to continue enriching my home practice by continuing to read up and check my resources online. I have been either taking or even just watching online classes at yogavibes.com to assist with challenging poses or to find a sequence that fits into any time constraint. I'd also like to get back to my studio at Happy-U very very soon! I am going to try my best to track my progress with updates here and on Instagram at atarableadventure. #fallintoyoga

Root me on, inspire me, send me good vibes, join me! ~ all of which I will spread forth as well :)

So for now, 

Namaste

T

Coloradical: A trip home

“Home is where you go to find solace from the ever changing chaos, to find love within the confines of a heartless world, and to be reminded that no matter how far you wander, there will always be something waiting when you return.” 
― Kendal Rob

A return to home after 2 years of being away. 2 years of life changing experiences, of sorrows and joys, new friends and new happy memories, and of course 2 years of missing my home like crazy. Its funny when you realize that something you've always thought you wanted to escape from turns out to be the thing you cherish the most. I have come so far from the arrogant young twenty something who demanded that the world bend to her wishes. When you move away from home for the first time, to a new state with new customs, strange inhabitants, and away from everything familiar you find your self humbled in such a shocking way that it forces you to open your eyes a little wider.

Having spent 2 years in San Diego, my husband and I have grown so much. We have learned a lot about being on our own and becoming independent, about our relationship and the twists and turns that keep leading us on a path together, our hopes and aspirations, and how to adapt in an entirely new setting. When we started in California we had our plan, our savings, our adventurous spirit and a little bit of fear. There were times that were fun and exciting and others that were down right scary. After getting awfuly close to hitting the bottom of our funds, eventually they level out. We were getting a little tired of the game and worried about the already shattered expectations which meant there would be more to come. Moving away from everyone you know to start a new life, we found, is very challenging. But to see where we have come from that time amazes me. We live just two blocks from the ocean, we have amazing friends and we are so incredibly happy. We are humble and we have no regrets, for the obstacles and challenges led us through this amazing life that is not afraid to take chances.

So here I am two years in to my adventures in San Diego, finally finding balance in my life.  Just a few months into this summer, I heard about a reunion for all of the old lifeguards from Water World, a water park where I spent over 8 awesome summers of my young adult life. How could I miss an opportunity like that? Its been too long since i've paid a visit to that wonderful playground where I came of age. So inspired by the chance to see old friends I arranged to visit over 28 years of my life in a matter of 3 days. A task quite daunting yet wondrously intriguing. You always wonder who, of all your past friends and family, would actually come to see you after so many years.  And how sweet it would be to see my home in my favorite season of summer after a few days of rain, so green and fresh.  People ask me all the time here in San diego what colorado is like. They are often of the disillusion that we all live in the mountains, and wear cowboy boots, and ride elk to work.  The idea of home had been burning in my mind for a long while this year so I decided to take the opportunity.

B L O O D   I S   T H I C K E R   I N  W A T E R  W O R L D

 Here she is....my original beach. Many of my days as a teenager were spent at this pool every summer. As a pass holder from 1994-99 and a lifeguard and supervisor from 2000-2008 it would be easy to say that Water World felt like home. It was a place to grow; somewhere to learn how to be responsible while still making time to be silly and have fun. It is where I learned how to be "professional" when situations called for it, how to be social with hundreds of people every day, how to motivate sullen teenagers to get to work, how to work with a hangover in 90 degree weather, about loyalty and how to create and maintain relationships that would lead to ever lasting friendships. Yep its all there. When I walked in to the park the backdrop of a gorgeous colorado sky had scattered clouds in the distance over the rockies churning and building, but still slow enough to give us a beautiful sunny afternoon.

I met my husband right under those trees

Many days were spent at this poolside in the hot summer sun. Soaking up the rays and checking out all the sun-kissed cuties in the pool. At the reunion we hugged and gushed over photos and stories from our past; glorious adolescent memories that shaped our lives.  We talked about our lives "post-water world" sharing photos of our pets and babies and telling the tales of our travels and life in the work force. One thing was for sure, we had missed this place and each other. It was amazing to see everyone so grown up yet still the same awesome person I remembered.

I got to enjoy a day at the pool with my friends and also my little brother. He has grown up so much, with a big ol manly mustache and full time job. Getting the chance to have a sleep over with your little brother at your dad's house doesn't come everyday, I was truly blessed to spend quality time (while not nearly long enough) with my family.

This young man has always inspired me to go my own way, to laugh in the faces of those who doubt you. With a quite confidence all his own, he marches to his own beat. I am truly amazed and undeniably proud of him.

A  T O U R  O F  M Y   L I F E

In a weekend and half a monday, i managed to tour almost every part of town that i would consider home. From way down south of Denver in Parker to as far west as Boulder. During every car ride, I was overwhelmed with child like wonderment. I snapped pictures left and ride, oohed and ahhed at everything new, and pined over old stomping grounds. We drove down main street through Broomfield, as I pointed, "There is my doctors office...my dentist.... oh my mom used to go to that bank....there is the library, the skatepark..." As we drove through the park near the city buildings I remember watching fourth of july fireworks as a kid, in the back of my dads pick up. Both rides to and from boulder left me in awe at its beauty and both times lead to a gasp as we reached the crest of US-36 as it opens into a panorama of mountains and lakes and it all surrounds the town of Boulder, Colorado. 

Each mile into town I was giddy with excitement to be back in the town where I battled for my bachelors degree, went to parties, went out "on the hill", studied in the park, went tubing down the creek, took in free shows on pearl street and spent too much time day dreaming. College was awesome and even though our football team usually sucks...go Buffs! I bleed black and gold baby.

Thank god its a place to be ridiculous....

W O R L D S   C O L L I D E

I've recently realized how lucky I am  to have such a caring network of friends and family. No matter where I go, they are  always going to be there for me.  It was as if no time passed when I would sit and visit with everyone. But what was more amazing was to see them coming together. Seeing my friends become friends with each other gives me a feeling I can't even describe but its pretty darn close to sheer joy

I got to see old friends from high school and we laughed at old inside jokes, I saw family friends who've known me since I was a tiny kiddo, and the circle of friends who supported us in our last colorado days, even though they didn't want us to leave. Of course missing my husband (who couldn't make the trip) and wishing we'd move back many still said they were proud and happy for us. Saying goodbye that night wasn't easy, a tear or two were shed, but it seemed apparent that we would all continue to be in each others lives and that time will keep moving us forward but as long as we stop for a minute to remember where we came from we can keep it all with us as march along into the unknown future. 

 My absolute best friends growing up in Colorado... all in the same place at the same time. My cup runith over with love for this picture.

I remember telling my friend that I was a mile high in so many ways, referring to the overwhelming feelings of love  from my friends and family and homesickness being cured. I felt as if I could die right then after having this sort of "life flashing before my eyes" experience. I have never in my life experienced something that I could compare to this visit home. Colorado opened her arms wide and gave a warm welcome home.  As if I came to pay pilgrimage to the mother land, I embraced all of it with gratitude and feeling incredibly blessed.

It feels good to be home, here in San diego where i have created another wonderful chapter in my life's vibrant story. I am happy to be back home with my boy Boston and my wonderful husband who supported this trip. I am approaching my 29th birthday this fall, my last year of my twenties. This trip was so appropriately timed for this upcoming milestone year. So far I can say that after this trip, I can remember that the last 28 years have been pretty amazing.

What will you do with this, your one and only life.
                                                                                   
                        I will live